We love Cap’n Crunch. We think Crunch Berries are perhaps the most pleasing food to ever pass the human palate. For years we’ve heard cereal-eating novices whine about how they hate Cap’n Crunch because it cuts up their mouth. We feel sorry for these poor souls who will never know the happiness of a meaningful relationship with the Cap’n.  To spread the love we decided to reveal the long guarded secret to eating Cap’n Crunch that will leave your mouth intact. If you follow these directions precisely we guarantee you the most pleasurable cereal experience of your life.

The key is patience. You can’t just pour a big ol’bowl and dig in like you would with a weaker cereal like Life or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If you do the Cap’n will cut you like a Cholo with a butterfly knife. You gotta give the Cap’n some respect. Let him marinate in the milk and get used to his new surroundings before chowing down. Once the milk is poured, stir cereal around making sure every inch of Cap’n Crunch goodness has been properly introduced to its moo juice counterpart. Do this for 23 seconds to reach the optimum non-mouth cutting texture. No more. No less. Then shovel into your word hole and enjoy. We just changed your life.

You’re welcome.